Imagining the “Presidential Zinger Debate”

Reportedly, Mitt Romney is preparing for his first meeting with Barack Obama in the 2012 presidential debates by learning to deliver what his managers describe as "zingers." As is typical for the inept Romney campaign in need of a quick injection of populist appeal, though, their very admission of his memorizing stinging remarks weeks ahead of the Wednesday night confrontation in Denver undermines the very definition of zingers as quick, witty and spontaneous. Do you wonder what a debate full of zingers might sound like? I have, and I think President Obama will be ready with his own retorts. So follow me to the first imaginary "Presidential Zinger Debate."

Romney: President Obama wants the American people to give him four more years even though the last four has been an abject failure to deliver for the middle class.

Obama: Gov. Romney’s campaign has shown great expertise in giving their candidate credit for my administration’s policies when they’ve worked, and blaming me when Republican policies haven’t.

Romney: America cannot afford more big government entitlements from an Obama administration bent on turning this country into a Paris on the Mississippi.

Obama: If Gov. Romney has his way with two terms in the White House, like President George W. Bush, American taxpayers will be on the hook for $6 trillion in debt -- all done in the name of “smaller government.” (He can be seen adding the quotes with his hands while saying this.)

Romney: President Reagan once famously said: “Government is the problem.” Mr. President, you are proving him correct.

Obama: The truth is, with the exception of Romneycare, your single term in office in Massachusetts, Gov. Romney, made that very point.

Romney: Look, my position on Obamacare is it’s a massive government takeover of health care. By definition that can’t work. It might have been right for Massachusetts, but most Americans agree it is better handled for less cost with private insurers giving the public what they ask for, unimpeded by government bureaucrats. 

Obama: Okay, so let me get this straight. You’re saying the Affordable Health Care Act actually works in practice, but as far as you’re concerned, it doesn’t work in theory?” Help us out here.

Romney: My economic plan is simple: Put people back to work by getting the government out of the business of picking winners and losers. That’s my top priority and the only road back to American prosperity.

Obama: Tell that to the hundreds of thousands of Detroit auto workers now back on the job because we believe in the American workers, who heard Gov. Romney call for America’s car companies to go bankrupt when the banks had already written them off.

Romney: Thanks to President Obama here, the amount of taxpayer spending on social programs over the last four years is greater than the New Deal and the Great Society put together. (Those are the facts, people!)

Obama: When Democrats spend money on the safety net, Republicans call it “unaffordable” and “wasteful.” Then they turn around and give billions in tax dollars to oil companies that don’t need the money and call it a “subsidy,” a “smart investment.” I call it "corporate cronyism."

Romney: The mainstream media has it wrong. Paul Ryan and I don’t favor the wealthy and big corporations over regular folks. We favor the all-American value of work rewarded.

Obama: I think Gov. Romney and Mr. Ryan have their words in the right place, but their policies not so much. An independent analyst found that their economic goals, if enacted, would cost every family in America about $2,000 a year more in taxes.

Romney: I promise you this: My administration will end the gridlock in Congress by calling for the passage of a balanced budget amendment by the end of my second term. (He smiles broadly and stares at the president.) 

Obama: Why is it whenever Republicans in Congress want fiscal responsibility and budget cuts, the discussion starts and stops with “non-defense discretionary spending” -- in other words, programs that support the 47 percent of Americans Gov. Romney says are, and I quote, “moochers”? (Again, he uses his hands for the quote marks.)

Romney: Mr. President, you want America’s needy to occupy Wall Street. I want Americans to occupy the assembly lines!

Obama: Now, I know one thing a majority of Americans doesn’t want: Mitt Romney occupying the White House!