Hello, low information voters. I’m writing today to make your choice in the presidential and Congressional elections easier for you. While I’m at it, I’d like to help out the detail-averse politicians who have expressed a desire to turn the 2012 election into an simple referendum or poll. So here goes. You need only answer these few questions:
1. Who is to blame for a stagnant American economy that took eight years to develop, going from a budget surplus to a trillion-dollar deficit, and led to what became, in September of 2008, a catastrophic worldwide failure of the banking system?
A. Bush-Cheney (R)
B. Obama-Biden (D)
C. Ralph Nader (I)
D. Ralph Reed
E. Reince Priebis
F. The Hawaiian official who handled Barack Obama’s birth certificate
2. Who do you trust to help the middle class climb out of the worst worldwide economic recession since the Great Depression?
A. Republicans
B. Democrats
C. The very investment banking and big business leaders who created the financial and real estate disasters and then profited from taxpayer-funded bailouts while the middle class lost trillions of dollars of equity in their 401k accounts and homes — in other words, the very wealthy citizens who are now providing billions of dollars in secrecy to one party while they demonize public employee union members for essentially doing the same thing for their opponents
D. What recession?
3. Who has proven since January 2009 that its mission to limit a U.S. political leader to a single term in office would not be deterred, even if it has meant that no jobs bills can get a hearing in the House of Representatives, that virtually every Senate bill faces a filibuster and subsequently requires 61 votes rather than what otherwise should be a simple majority of 51 votes, and that it’s okay if it sends the U.S. credit rating, and therefore the entire economic recovery, into a tailspin because the other party has the temerity to expect Congress to authorize payment of this country’s bills, many of which were created with the votes of those who declared this high-tech political lynching?
A. Republicans
B. Democrats
C. Grover Norquist
4. Who has packed state legislatures with concerned citizens who are attacking non-existent voter fraud with restrictive voter-registration measures to hold down minority, Hispanic, and senior citizen voter participation while also declaring that highly contentious states such as Pennsylvania are now in the bag for the white candidate?
A. Republicans
B. Democrats
C. Uh, what are you talking about, bro?
That's it, people. I told you this election would be easy. Now get out there and vote, even if you already think you have.
